Last night, we entered into the official “relapse” period for all NFL addicts, also known as the NFL draft. While it’s not as good as watching an actual game, drafting a fantasy football team, or surfing the waiver wire, it’s enough of a fix to get me excited.
And even better than the TV coverage of the event itself is all the chatter going on via Twitter.
Since I understand that some folks couldn’t set aside Thursday night obligations to enjoy the first round experience and because some of you may not be on Twitter just yet, I thought I’d share what you might have missed so even you, the unlucky few, can get your
href="http://twitter.com/#!/search/%23NFLDraft" title="#NFLDraft on Twitter" target="_blank">#NFLDraft Twitter fix.
1. Cryptic tweets from Jim Irsay
One of the NFL’s most colorful owners, Irsay often tweets song lyrics and other peculiar messages from his Twitter account
href="https://twitter.com/#!/jimirsay" title="Jim Irsay on Twitter" target="_blank">@JimIrsay. I can only imagine his sexting is like a book of haikus. But this one tweet in particular stuck out for me.
class="twitter-tweet">
They’re more frightened of us getting out…then we are of them…getting in…..
— Jim Irsay (@JimIrsay)
href="https://twitter.com/JimIrsay/status/195734277298724864" data-datetime="2012-04-27T04:41:02+00:00">April 27, 2012
Were the doors he tried to exit through locked on the way out of Radio City Music Hall? Does he want to take the Colts to the
href="http://www.goifl.com/" title="Indoor Football League" target="_blank">IFL?
We may never know.
2. Important asides from Pete King
Everyone’s favorite and most connected NFL reporter was, of course, on Twitter last night during the draft sharing his “lofty” musings. It really added to the NFL draft experience, at least for me.
Like this one…
class="twitter-tweet">
Morris Claiborne majored in kinesiology at LSU.
— Peter King (@SI_PeterKing)
href="https://twitter.com/SI_PeterKing/status/195739199943622656" data-datetime="2012-04-27T05:00:36+00:00">April 27, 2012
Clearly, Claiborne’s knowledge of “kines” will make him a better corner in the NFL…or at least a “nice guy.” That’s pretty obvious from that statement.
3. Reaches talkin’ ’bout reaches
Say what you will about
href="http://espn.go.com/blog/afceast/post/_/id/41513/dolphins-gushing-over-qb-ryan-tannehill" title="ESPN: Dolphins gushing over QB Ryan Tannehill" target="_blank">Ryan Tannehill, probably the most talked about “overdraft” candidate in this year’s crop, but the most shocking draft pick discussed on Twitter was
href="http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/early-lead/post/bruce-irvin-is-a-calculated-risk-for-pete-carroll-seahawks/2012/04/27/gIQAhxOalT_blog.html" title="Bruce Irvin is a calculated risk for Pete Carroll, Seahawks" target="_blank">Seattle’s Bruce Irvin pick.
Say what you will about
href="http://www.sbnation.com/2012-nfl-draft/2012/4/27/2980969/nfl-draft-2012-bruce-irvin-seattle-seahawks" title="NFL Draft 2012: Bruce Irvin Broke Your Mock Draft, And That's Okay" target="_blank">whether it really was a reach or not, but the reaction on Twitter was explosive.
href="http://twitter.com/#!/ShanePHallam" title="Shane P. Hallam on Twitter" target="_blank">Shane P. Hallam of
href="http://www.draftcountdown.com/" title="Draft Countdown" target="_blank">Draft Countdown had a good rant on the subject:
It wasn’t so much that he’s a bad player as much as it was the expectation that the Seahawks could have gotten him a round or two later. But the best part of the whole experience was his own tweets to his “haters.”
class="twitter-tweet">
I love that people are saying that I was a reach! They will see!
— Bruce Irvin (@BIrvin_WVU11)
href="https://twitter.com/BIrvin_WVU11/status/195752368552415233" data-datetime="2012-04-27T05:52:56+00:00">April 27, 2012
Oh, we’ll see. Thanks to Twitter, we now live in a world where draft picks can argue the validity of their draft position as the draft is taking place.
If you feel left out or liked what you saw here, you’re welcome to
href="https://twitter.com/#!/fantasyfools" title="Fantasy Football Fools on Twitter" target="_blank">join me for more tweeting tonight during Rounds 2 and 3 of the NFL Draft. You can follow along with the conversation even without a Twitter account just by following the stream at
href="http://twitter.com/#!/search/%23NFLDraft" title="#NFLDraft on Twitter" target="_blank">#NFLDraft.
What else did you miss from the first round last night? Oh, just some
href="http://www.nfl.com/draft/story/09000d5d828a1a27/article/nfl-drafts-first-round-features-flurry-of-frenzied-activity" title="NFL draft's first round features flurry of trade activity" target="_blank">trades,
href="http://www.nfl.com/news/story/09000d5d828a6f4f/article/nfl-draft-firstround-surprises-memorable-moments" title="NFL draft first-round surprises, memorable moments" target="_blank">some special moments, and
href="http://sports.yahoo.com/blogs/nfl-shutdown-corner/shutdown-50-8-michael-brockers-dl-lsu-141240276.html" title="Michael Brockers beard" target="_blank">the beard.
Thanks for reading
href="http://www.fantasyfootballfools.com">Fantasy Football Fools – Fantasy Football Awesome
Our nearly 20-month-old son is totally a dangerophile. He started walking a little bit on the early side and pretty much from the second he became mobile I think he eagerly sought out every conceivable way of finding danger. I assumed he was just being an explorer like many little kiddos but secretly wondered if maybe he somehow acquired a stuntman gene. I definitely have calm-kid-envy when I see other kids peacefully playing on the floor and not seeking the highest possible surface from which to climb and then plunge down…so I must say I felt a little bit validated when our son’s daycare teachers reported that he is an absolute daredevil at school. It’s always nice when an expert can confirm your suspicions and it’s no different with fantasy football. Do you have some thoughts about who might be a sleeper or bust this year? Or are you starting to create your own 2012 rankings even? Take a look at what the experts are thinking about the 2012 season at this early date and see how it all meshes with your own thoughts.
NFL.com’s Michael Fabiano complies another one-man mock draft that goes through round 5. Some interesting things here with so much more positional variety in the first round than we’ve seen in past years. And of course the whole Gronk thing going so high this year.
Speaking of more mocks and more interesting Gronkowski tidbits, find out which TE John Hansen took ahead of Gronkowski in his First Mock Draft of 2012 where you can see his picks in a 15-round, PPR, 14-team league.
I’ve got a couple of articles that look specifically at IDPs:
Back to rookies, IDP Guru has a 2-part series on 2012 IDP Rookies to Watch – Part 1 and Part 2.
For a focus on this year’s rookies and who you should keep an eye on, read 4for4.com’s Identifying Impact Rookies.
The Fake Football advises you take a second look at Matt Ryan and open your eyes to all of the potential he has this season in Matt Ryan, Fantasy Breakout Player.
If you’ve been around this blog for long enough, you know that I love, love, love offensive line rankings. Can’t get enough. The posting of Rotoworld’s 2012 Offensive Line Rankings is a beautiful thing.
National Football Post’s An early look at our fantasy top fives is a quick review of the top 5 players at each position. Obviously not a deep look into next season but a nice way to get your brain thinking about next year. I’m not on the Marshawn Lynch train though, I must say.
Oh there’s so much draft goodness to link to today. I hope you all enjoyed the weekend full of draftiness and are ready for a whole series of updates below:
First up, if you’re looking for some draft recaps, try one of these articles:
One of my favorites is Matt Waldman’s 2012 Post-Draft Skill Player Impressions, Part I, which takes a team-by-team look at what each team is planning with their draft picks. Keep in mind that Part II/latter part of the alphabet is still to come.
Meanwhile if it’s the undrafted players that you’re interested in getting more info on, no problem. Yahoo’s Shutdown Corner has us covered with The best undrafted players of 2012 – or scope out this link for the best undrafted defenders.
In case you missed some of the analysis that came out last week once the schedules were released, this article from CBSSports.com does a nice job recapping and analyzing some schedule perks and pitfalls: Fantasizing about 32 schedules.
I thought of you this morning, Steelers fans. My son’s daycare is doing a school-wide parade today with each of the classrooms dressing up as a group/animal/theme. Our son’s class will be marching as a group of bees (taking bets on whether or not our son will leave his bee tentacles on his head for longer than 3 seconds) so all the kids was asked to dress in their best yellow and/or black. As I dropped our son off I noticed one kiddo rocking the mini Steelers jersey and thought that was a nice nod to NFL Draft season as well. Kudos, parents, kudos.
Anyway, we are indeed getting down to crunch time here: the NFL Draft is nearly upon us. Somehow I’m traveling again this weekend, which makes it the 3rd or 4th draft in a row that I’ve been on the road…but at least I’ve got plenty of time on Thursday night to take it all in. If you want to live chat with other draft fans, head on over to Dynasty League Football’s chat on Thursday or Friday night. Now let’s take a look at today’s links:
Have you been busy this winter and perhaps just not on top of your fantasy football game? No problem. Catch up with The Hazean’s Recapping Free Agency for Fantasy Football Owners and demonstrate your knowledge to all the other drafties you hang out with this weekend.
ProFootballFocus.com also has you covered with the top needs for each team in the league – Eve of the Draft: AFC Needs and NFC Needs. Note: not a fantasy focus here but clearly informative nonetheless for fantasy owners.
Last night, we entered into the official “relapse” period for all NFL addicts, also known as the NFL draft. While it’s not as good as watching an actual game, drafting a fantasy football team, or surfing the waiver wire, it’s enough of a fix to get me excited.
And even better than the TV coverage of the event itself is all the chatter going on via Twitter.
Since I understand that some folks couldn’t set aside Thursday night obligations to enjoy the first round experience and because some of you may not be on Twitter just yet, I thought I’d share what you might have missed so even you, the unlucky few, can get your #NFLDraft Twitter fix.
1. Cryptic tweets from Jim Irsay
One of the NFL’s most colorful owners, Irsay often tweets song lyrics and other peculiar messages from his Twitter account @JimIrsay. I can only imagine his sexting is like a book of haikus. But this one tweet in particular stuck out for me.
They’re more frightened of us getting out…then we are of them…getting in…..
Were the doors he tried to exit through locked on the way out of Radio City Music Hall? Does he want to take the Colts to the IFL?
We may never know.
2. Important asides from Pete King
Everyone’s favorite and most connected NFL reporter was, of course, on Twitter last night during the draft sharing his “lofty” musings. It really added to the NFL draft experience, at least for me.
Clearly, Claiborne’s knowledge of “kines” will make him a better corner in the NFL…or at least a “nice guy.” That’s pretty obvious from that statement.
3. Reaches talkin’ ’bout reaches
Say what you will about Ryan Tannehill, probably the most talked about “overdraft” candidate in this year’s crop, but the most shocking draft pick discussed on Twitter was Seattle’s Bruce Irvin pick.
It wasn’t so much that he’s a bad player as much as it was the expectation that the Seahawks could have gotten him a round or two later. But the best part of the whole experience was his own tweets to his “haters.”
I love that people are saying that I was a reach! They will see!
Oh, we’ll see. Thanks to Twitter, we now live in a world where draft picks can argue the validity of their draft position as the draft is taking place.
If you feel left out or liked what you saw here, you’re welcome to join me for more tweeting tonight during Rounds 2 and 3 of the NFL Draft. You can follow along with the conversation even without a Twitter account just by following the stream at #NFLDraft.
This is why we can’t have nice things. Ruxin stroked out. Kevin got everyone busted for redrawing the draft order, and Andre still doesn’t have an ICE. How can we save this season?
We all got a bit of a scare in the last episode. Could Ruxin be dead? Will his face really stick like that? And who takes over his team?
You’ll be delighted to know that he lived — at least long enough for Rafi to rack up several attempted murder charges.
In my view, killing Ruxin would be a step in the wrong direction, so I’m glad Rafi’s thinly veiled attempts to smother his brother-in-law were a complete failure. He probably made more progress in spitting game at the gruff nurse.
Of course, Rafi first ensured Ruxin’s legacy by procuring his sperm in the most humane way possible. That’s all a decent guy could ask, right?
While Rafi may have a special way of coping with his brother-in-law’s close encounter with death, the rest of the league is a little more level-headed. Only Taco, sensitive soul that he is, feels changed in ways he nor we fully understand by the “near-death” experience of being near Ruxin’s near-death experience.
But the rest of the league just needs to know who’s going to take over Ruxin’s team for his showdown with Pete in the Sacko Bowl. For that answer, they turn to Ruxin’s video will, carefully crafted by his own law firm. And it’s a piece fit for the message boards itself.
After dictating that his golf clubs should be sold on Craigslist or thrown away rather than given to any of his very disappointed friends, Ruxin goes on to torture them even further by confessing that he was the one to trash Pete’s favorite vinyl and that he never really understood what Kevin saw in Jenny.
One might have expected that to be the other way around. But then again, evil Ruxin has always been full of surprises.
Eventually (and maybe the stalling was all part of the game for him), Ruxin finally gets to the issue at hand. He leaves his team to Andre — a surprise option D for most odd makers — before finishing with a final, sounding “Suck It!”
So we can gather that, in the event of his death, Ruxin wanted to leave us all with a joke.
The anxiety of managing Ruxin’s team in the Sacko Bowl immediately starts to show on Andre, who tries to channel his own inner Ruxin around the gang by swilling vodka and offering to buy hotel rooms as if it will somehow empower him to run Ruxin’s team more effectively.
Couldn’t he just laugh maniacally and second-guess all his lineup decisions? Seems to work for Ruxin-everyone-calls-me-Ruxin himself.
But Andre’s job gets a little more difficult when Rafi discovers he’s been left out of the family fortune and demands they run the team together, as Rafi is the rightful next of kin. And Rafi’s knifey conversation style can be pretty convincing.
A visit to Ruxin provides them with only positive reinforcement…
But Jenny has better luck.
Knowing her husband, Kevin, is hopelessly dependent on this season counting to validate his abilities as a fantasy football addict and as a man (because of the bet Jenny and Kevin made), Jenny pays Ruxin a visit to beg him to allow this season to count.
Dressing as Sofia to bypass the nurses station (“That Puerto Rican slut is my husband’s mistress!”), Whore-Jenny meets with Ruxin and gets him to agree to allow the season to count as long as he doesn’t win the Sacko.
But the charity is not strong with the Pete one. He’s done his St. Pete duties. Now he’s just the old, mean Pete, unwilling to take a dive in the Sacko Bowl to save the season for Kevin’s championship because it would be too dangerous for him as the ruthless Sacko del Toro commissioner.
One ray of hope does emerge from this intervention with Pete in the form of Taco — who else? Finally making sense of the life-altering moment that was peeing on a post-stroke Ruxin, Taco donates his money to Matt Forte’s charity, Mercy Home for Boys and Girls. The donation warrants a visit from Forte to Ruxin’s bedside, which could motivate the fallen villain just enough to get him back on his game.
But Matt Forte’s official visit is hijacked by Andre, who’s sizing up Forte’s knee in order to properly set Ruxin’s lineup. Forte’s only real encouragement for a very excited Ruxin is a jersey and a slap of the football into Ruxin’s nuts. But I have to say Ruxin seemed to enjoy it, even through the post-stroke duckface.
As the Sacko Bowl showdown draws near, Ruxin learns how to use a mouth device to type and click the trackpad on his laptop, which allows him to make add/drops that confuse and upset both Andre and Rafi. Rafi just wants Bruce Banner on the team so The Incredible Hulk can win it all for his brother-in-law. Is that so much to ask?
It’s Shiva that finally comes to Ruxin’s rescue. While being wheeled out to see his own wife, eager to see him start walking so they can get him out of the hospital, Ruxin spots Dr. Shiva — the person, not the trophy — in the hallway.
The sight of her and the accompanying vision sends Ruxin stumbling down the hallway to exchange a sloppy, duckfaced kiss with the embodiment of the trophy he still owns, at least for now.
Much like kissing a frog, kissing Shiva cures Ruxin of all the effects of his stroke, and, instantly, he speaks clearly and walks without a limp.
Back at Kevin’s house, the Shiva Bowl is wholly uneventful. Taco blows off even watching the games because he wants Kevin to win anyway and has more important things to do, and the lackluster experience just takes the fun out of bringing home the trophy, at last, for Kevin.
What good is a trophy without a face to rub it in?
The Sacko Bowl ends up the same way. Against the combined powers of stroked Ruxin, Andre, and knifey-Rafi, Pete wins easily to doom Ruxin to a term as the Sacko and put the very legitimacy in the league in danger.
But the gig is up! It’s then that the invites to the funeral arrive.
It seems Taco, disgusted by his fantasy football league this season, has been plotting all along to put it down. So he’s prepared a viking funeral for all the league’s memorabilia, including the Sacko, the Shiva, Kegel the Elf, and Andre’s laptop (“This is where the evil all began”).
Rafi arrives in the Bobbum van just in time to deliver the dead — err, not so dead — body of Ruxin to the festivities.
But only the crazies (Do I have to say? Okay, Rafi and Taco) and Ruxin really want to see this season burn.
Kevin desperately wants the season to count so that he can finally put his name on the Shiva, but Ruxin is determined not to let that happen.
It’s at that touching moment, standing by a boat full of fantasy football memories and a torch-wielding Taco, that Jenny reveals the news: she’s pregnant. So whether or not Kevin wins the Shiva, at least he won the bet.
That seems to calm him down, but they have to fight over something, right?
Ready to do this thing, Taco and Kevin become locked in a struggle for who gets to light the funeral pyre. When Pete tries to intervene, he gets knocked to the ground right on top of the hot SACKO brand from Andre’s weekly forced steak ceremony, searing “SACKO” into Pete’s own flesh.
Appropriate for the Sacko del Toro commissioner, you might say.
While Pete’s tending to his damaged skin and pride, he distracts everyone just enough for Ruxin to light the boat on fire and Taco to kick it out into the water.
For a moment, it’s actually quite peaceful as they all watch the memories of three seasons of bickering, trash-talking and tomfoolery float away.
It was good times, wasn’t it? You were there…and you were there…
However, touching moments are for losers, not champions. Kevin can’t settle for that. So Kevin, not content to be just a father, dives in the water after his Shiva — Shiva blasting all the way.
Will he drown? Is his life in danger? And more importantly, will they recover the Shiva?!?
In any event, the credits roll, and once again, we’re without The League for a few months. I don’t always comment on the overall quality of the show as we go through it episode by episode. I prefer to keep these as recaps rather than reviews — I’m no TV critic — but I enjoyed Season 3 a bit more than I did Season 2 of The League. I think it found a bit of that spark that gave Season 1 so much hype without losing the depth and character they developed in Season 2.
“We are thrilled to do more shows with a cast that makes us laugh hard everyday, on a network that actually lets us put those jokes on air,” the Schaffers, executive producers of ‘The League,’ said. “In the words of Taco: ‘The League’ on FX on Thursday nights is a law, like water or dinosaurs.”
Water or dinosaurs indeed.
What do you want to see out of The League in Season 4? Share your thoughts with us in the comments below.
Memorable quotes from Episode 13:
RAFI: “You had a stroke, okay? So it’s time to die…Great news! Your dick still works. I harvested a bunch of your sperm, so you’re going to live forever.”
RAFI: “It was a murder boner. What do you think it is?”
TACO: “You know what? He’s been through a lot. We should just give him the Shiva.” KEVIN: “You shut your goddamn mouth!”
JENNY: “Are you trying to ‘high-na-tize’ me right now?!”
KEVIN: “Ew. Feels like I’m kissing Al Davis.”
RUXIN: “Liar.” JENNY: “There you are!”
RUXIN: “Why are you dressed like a whore?” JENNY: “I had to dress like your wife to get in here.” RUXIN: “Fives.”
KEVIN: “This is the most important thing that’s ever happened to me in my life! [To Jenny] No offense.”
RUXIN: “Classic Forte burn.”
KEVIN [to Taco]: “Hey, Vincent Van Slow, what are you drawing over there?”
RAFI: “Hey, do you still have those butt plugs with Bert and Ernie’s face on them?” KEVIN: “Those were my daughter’s tubby toys…” RAFI: “She should not play with those. Those should be burned.”
RAFI: “Is he from Super Mario Bros.? Because, if it was on me, I would have picked up Luigi.”
RUXIN: “Andre? Oh, no, that human kumquat’s got my team.”
PETE: “…it is decided!”
PETE: “It’s an honor. It’s a Dre-peat!”
KEVIN: “Oh, where did this platypus get a boat?”
TACO: “This whole league is tarnished. We need burn it, bury it, and start clean just like Pete did with his wife.”
RAFI: “You sure it’s not my baby? I did jerk off in your underwear drawer.”
RUXIN: “You can take my draft pick…but you can never take my Shiva! This season never happened!”
KEVIN: “Any asshole can be a father. I want to be a champion!”
Greetings, fine readers. Once again I feel the need to apologize for my disappearing librarian act here. My mom had major back surgery a few weeks ago and I just spent some time back in Virginia with her to try and lend a hand as she slowly, slowly gets back to normal. Anyway, I know we’re coming up on the draft and we’ve got lots of good material out there related to the Draft and just the 2012 season in general. So gear up, time for some Friday links…
First up, here are a few draft-related links:
FantasySharks.com has a quick and dirty overview of each position and players to keep an eye on – 2012 NFL Draft Guide.
I’m a big fan of IDP Guru’s 2012 Every Down Linebackers – an ongoing and evolving list of three-down guys who you’ll really want to focus on for high-level fantasy production.
IDP Guru has also posted their 2012 IDP Draft Rankings (Redraft) up – this link will take you to the top 2 tiers of DBs, DLs and LBs.
Razzball.com takes a look back at RB stats from the past 3 years to see what’s happened from the 5 yard line in – Goal Line Running Back Stats.
There will be plenty of articles to come that analyze the 2012 season schedule, which was released earlier this week, but for now if you just want a schedule overview week-by-week, TOFantasySports.com has you covered.
Happy spring, my football friends. It has already hit 85 degrees several times here in east Tennessee, the Masters is over, and NFL Draft Day talk is really ramping up. Ahh, April, I do love you. I’ve got a handful of links for you today and hope to be back around on a more regular basis starting in the next few weeks.
As the 2012 season speculation begins, Razzball.com’s Who to Follow for Fantasy Football Advice on Twitter is a solid, helpful piece. You’ll see some Rotoworld names but also some less mainstream dudes/chicks as well. Definitely found a few people here that I didn’t know about, which is always a good thing.
Speaking of Rotoworld, Unfilled Voids scopes out the top 10 positions across the league that haven’t yet been addressed yet (or have the Luck/RG3 speculation) and how exactly Rotoworld sees them fulfilling these needs.
Last week Mike Clay from ProFootballFocus.com introduced a new stat: Average Depth of Target. Per Clay’s article, it trumps yards-per-reception, yards-per-target, yards-after-catch, and any other pass catching stat you can think of. Interesting food for thought.
Matt Waldman is rolling out his annual look at incoming rookies for The Fifth Down, starting with RBs. I’m just going to link you to the main Fifth Down page since the Times is now limiting free articles even more, so I want you to land somewhere where you can scroll down and pick which rookie to read about.
4for4.com takes a look at players who were able to produce with limited targets in 2011 in order to help in Identifying Breakout WRs. Good list here, prepare to see many of these names a lot this summer.
As we start to see more and more output from our favorite fantasy prognosticators, this is just a reminder that FantasyRundown.com does an awesome job of gathering all the rankings out there and notes the date of posting so that you know just how recent those rankings are; that’s crucial for this time of year.
Smitty from FantasyFootballXtreme.com is launching a new site, Draft Calc. It will launch on May 1st but until then the forum seems pretty active for those of you itching to chat about the 2012 draft or season. In fact, scope out 4 rounds of a mock draft that occurred on the forum.
On a mock draft note, I like how Dynasty Football Warehouse is creating a library (of course I dig it) of mock drafts they participated in so far this year with other experts in the industry. Keep building that list up, I say – should be an excellent resource. By the way, DFW is a new-to-me site and I would encourage any of you out there who have found an awesome site that I don’t link to (or created an awesome site) to e-mail me the link to let me know. Eventually I’ll read my e-mail and love sharing new sites with you FFLibrarian readers.
There are plenty of mock 2012 NFL Drafts out there (that’s real draft, not fantasy draft) – are those of interest to you all? If so, let me know in the comments and I’ll get some links up to those.
And an aside for those of you into fantasy baseball – FantasyPros.com is doing awesome stuff for baseball season. Two things I wanted to highlight are the My Playbook function which lets you import your teams (for free) and they tailor advice and news to fit your players. And of course their Articles page is right up my alley and everything is conveniently tagged and sorted by topics and sources. Good stuff.
Whether it’s karma or the careful plotting of the rest of the league, Ruxin’s had a string of bad luck ever since he brought home the championship last season. He hits rock bottom in this, the last episode before the season finale.
It’s easy to say he had it coming. I mean, he ended last season with a “Suck it!” to the entire league and a reign of terror that darkened the skies of Chicago. Now, as his champion season comes an end, Ruxin’s been beat down, abused, and put in his place more than once.
With Pete and Ruxin both one loss away from playing in the Sacko Bowl, Pete hatches a noble scheme to bring an end to the guilt and suspicion they’ve had to deal with all season.
Pete decides to commit “Shivacide.”
If Pete loses, it doesn’t matter whether Ruxin wins or not. The two of them, due to tiebreakers, will have the two lowest records in the league, and Pete is confident he’ll best Ruxin in Week 16, assuring Ruxin will take home the Sacko. From first to worst. The perfect end to Ruxin’s reign of terror.
While Kevin protests at first, such a selfless gesture cannot be ignored. After all, Kevin’s full of guilt about allowing the league to change the draft order after they drew Ruxin’s name first. So he agrees to allow “St. Pete” to make the great sacrifice for the good of the league.
But allowing this further transgression against Ruxin doesn’t clear Kevin’s conscience. After meeting with Pete, he decides to simulate a league scenario based on the original draft order — a parallel universe where fairness mattered.
Much to his excitement, when the calculations are done, Kevin still would have made the playoffs with original, correct draft order. This must just be his season, outside of that small incident last week.
But now that he knows the truth, Kevin’s put everyone at risk by creating evidence that the league colluded against Ruxin, a secret they’ve successfully hidden the entire season. At Pete’s urging, Kevin agrees that his notes on the alternative league scenario must be destroyed…as soon as they find them.
Not to be distracted from his distractions by fantasy football, Taco’s moving forward with his plans for Taco Corp. And by moving forward, I mean he’s actually making it a “Corp.” by incorporating it.
To do so, he needs Ruxin’s help, which Ruxin’s not very willing to provide until he sees that Taco has first priority on the waiver wire.
Knowing he could assure himself the chance to grab Felix Jones as long as Taco doesn’t put in a claim, Ruxin changes his tune and assumes his role as lawyer and longtime consigliere of Taco and Taco Corp. to go “business dinnering” with Taco at Obscura, the new downtown restaurant in complete darkness.
As if gropers needed a more accommodating setting.
The darkness of Obscura works in Pete and Kevin’s favor as they don night vision goggles in search of Kevin’s misplaced alternate league notes in the briefcase Taco stole for “business dinnering.”
They get in and out of Obscura without getting caught by Taco, Ruxin, or the blind host with a supernatural sense of smell, but the briefcase is full of nothing but Taco’s peppermints.
The search continues…
To liven things up in their playoff matchup, Kevin and Jenny decide to make a wager, and Kevin sets the terms — he wants to make another baby with Jenny if he wins. Can’t say that’s what I would have gone with.
Andre, fighting to stay relevant in his Sacko season, decides now is a good time to campaign to be everyone’s ICE, or emergency contact.
Alas, most of the league would rather Doak, the homeless guy who answers any walkie-talkie call on channel 6, be their emergency contact than admit on record that they’re that close to Andre.
Andre forces his way into Pete’s phone. And, of course, Pete is happy to abuse it by calling Andre to pick him up at Kevin’s house, fetch him beers, and worse until he sees fit to trade Andre to Taco in a package with Jason Witten.
It’s after this trade that Andre finally gets a proper opportunity to reciprocate. Pulled over for texting while driving when he was, in fact, making a last minute waiver wire addition before kickoff, Andre discovers that cops only get angry when you persistently ask them to help you decide whether to start Jabar Gaffney or Lance Moore.
With his car impounded, Andre’s forced to call Pete, who refers him to Taco, but Taco’s no help. He arrives via a ride from a girl he doesn’t even know with no money and no transportation to Pete’s house. So they walk.
On the plus side, Jason Witten gives Taco the points he needs to advance to the Shiva Bowl.
At Pete’s house, Ruxin arrives to learn that Pete is losing his matchup with only Mike Tolbert, the vulture, left to play. But the vulture is sick…and he hasn’t been seen since the first drive of the game. Kevin’s “sick vulture” sound is too much for Ruxin to take, and he runs away in tears.
But out of his anger, the evil rises.
Ruxin suspects that there must have been some sort of collusion going on for him to have failed so miserably. When Ruxin storms off to Ellie’s room and, in Ellie’s words, starts “being a real dick” to her frog, Ellie gives Ruxin several new reasons to flip the switch back to his dark side.
First, she hands him Kevin’s “hair pills,” also known as Propecia, and explains that he takes them everyday.
And second, she reveals her latest school project, a presentation board explaining why her daddy, Kevin, is her hero. On that board, she’s pasted the alternate league draft order and results Kevin calculated.
It’s hard to disagree with Kevin: “This is why I wanted a new kid. This one’s no good.”
With only minutes left in the last NFL game of the week and with Taco already a lock for the Shiva Bowl, Jenny has the lead over Kevin. It looks like it’s going to be Jenny facing Taco for the championship.
But as luck would have it, just as Kevin looks away to catch Jenny, falling off a ladder while decorating the tree, the Ravens D/ST gets an interception and takes it back to the house for a pick-six.
The point swing sends Kevin to the Shiva Bowl, and he Shiva Blasts after telling Jenny to “Suck it!” like a true gentleman.
His celebration, however, is short-lived.
Armed with Ellie’s project, clearly showing the treachery that the league committed against him to start the year, Ruxin will take no excuses. Ranting about how the entire season is null and void, he storms off spouting gibberish, eventually collapsing in the snow outside of Kevin’s house while trying to talk to Sofia on the phone, who just assumes it’s another dropped call.
His frozen Ruxin face suggests stroke. He’s barely even strong enough to resist mouth-to-mouth from Andre.
Is Ruxin…dead? Should we celebrate or cry?
In Memoriam
Memorable quotes from Episode 12:
JENNY: “Did you just check the TV? While I’m choking?” KEVIN: “No, I, you know…there was just a little ticker at the bottom about LeGarrette Blount.”
KEVIN: “So strong when you’re angry.”
RUXIN: “The app I want for my phone is ‘Phone.’”
ANDRE [on dropped calls]: “All of a sudden everyone becomes a cell phone Columbo.”
ANDRE: “You blew up the house…” KEVIN: “You should call you ICE!” ANDRE: “I don’t have one.”
PETE: “I’ve decided to commit Shivacide.” KEVIN: “Saint Peter.” PETE: “Bless you, my son.” KEVIN: “Lunch?”
PETE: “Andre, you accepted your own Facebook invitation to me?” ANDRE: “Yes, it was sitting there for ages.” PETE: “No, seven years.”
TACO: “…you remind me of a young me.” RUXIN: “You’re younger than me.”
RUXIN [to Taco]: “It’s like talking to a block of marble.”
TACO: “The crotchal region is not flattering, but it’s accurate.” KEVIN: “It’s inappropriate, is what it is.” TACO: “Are you upset about the bend? Look, that’s a MacArthur family tradition.” KEVIN: “No, it’s a lilt, first of all.” ANDRE: “Whoa! That’s a bend. Anything past 19 degrees is a bend. I can fix that if you want.” KEVIN: “No.” ANDRE: “Technically, that’s a medical emergency.” KEVIN: “You are never touching my dick again.” ANDRE: “You give me the sign, I’ll do it at night.”
TACO: “I gave it an extra inch…because it’s about hero worship, right?”
TACO: “Yeah, dicks: Great at drawing them. Balls: Not so much. Faces: Not at all.” KEVIN: “Why don’t you just concentrate a little more on faces?” TACO: “I still have a lot of work to do on dicks. But then again, I’m my harshest critic.”
TACO: “Last week, I business dinnered with Doak.” RUXIN: “Taco, business dinner is not a verb.” TACO: “Yes it is. Like ‘moonwalk’ or ‘karate’”
RUXIN: “I can pay, Taco. ‘Cause you’re basically a homeless person.”
TACO: “No, no, no, I’m used to being in the dark.”
COP: “Jabar sounds like a wizard to me.”
RUXIN: “If I keep making this finger, you think it’ll freeze this way, too.”
TACO: “I made a Cheerio fart.”
RUXIN: “Propecia? Is that why his hair goes halfway down his forehead like teen wolf?”
RUXIN: “Your daddy’s your hero? … You should aim higher like a low-end bookie or a spare tire.”
KEVIN: “You know, I did not set up this league to have a trophy end up with my wife’s name on it or as a bong in my attic.”
KEVIN: “This is why I wanted a new kid. This one’s no good.”
TACO: “I think we’re supposed to pee on him…Might not help, but it can’t hurt.”
You guys just knew I had to post after today’s big Broncos news. For those new to this blog, you should know I’m a huge Broncos fan and my husband (who grew up in Knoxville, where Peyton went to college) is a serious Peyton Manning fan…so our two worlds collided today when Peyton began negotiations with the Broncos. Does our son stand any chance at all of being anything BUT a Broncos fan??
For those who are sick and tired of Peyton news, this probably isn’t the place to be. I’ve got lots of Peyton fallout links here so read on:
First up, a few articles that look at the fantasy impact of Peyton signing with the Broncos:
Where oh where shall Tebow go? NFL.com’s Tim Tebow stock watch: Where will he play in 2012? sums up the latest thinking on the Tebow front. And a note for those of you who (like me) are fans of Rotoworld’s Gregg Rosenthal – take a look at this byline and you’ll see that Gregg has moved on and is now writing for NFL.com.
Months and months ago, before the 2011 season even, super talent-spotter Matt Waldman wrote up this nice piece on why Eric Decker is worth keeping an eye on – this argument is of course only stronger with another year under his belt and Peyton at the helm.
Thanks for being patient with me while I’ve been slow to post this offseason. I’m taking a breather to make sure I stay and fresh when the season starts to ramp up again. All is well in my world: I’m enjoying all the cuteness and chaos that our 18-month-old brings and starting to finally feel at home in our new house in Tennessee (and yes, we totally considered trying to stalk down Peyton while he was here in Knoxville practicing for the Titans over the weekend). I hope you all are enjoying the offseason and of course a little March Madness!
